User Profile

Brett is a dynamic figure, often seen
scaling walls and crushing ice. He has been
known to remodel train stations on his lunch
breaks making them more efficient in the area of
heat retention. He translates ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, writes award-winning operas and
manages time efficiently. Occasionally he treads
water for three days in a row. He woos women
with his sensuous and godlike trombone playing.
He can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with
unflagging speed and cook Thirty-Minute brownies
in twenty minutes. He is an expert arborist, a
veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. Using
only a hoe and a large glass of water he
single-handedly defended a small village in the
Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.
He plays blue-grass cello, was scouted by the
Mets and is the subject of numerous
documentaries. When bored he builds suspension
bridges in his yard. He enjoys urban hang
gliding and repairs appliances as a community
service free of charge. He is an abstract
artist, coffee analyst and bookie. He doesn’t
perspire. Critics worldwide swoon over his
original line of corduroy eveningwear. He is a
private citizen, yet answers all his fan mail.
He has been caller number nine and has won the
weekend passes. Last summer he toured New Jersey
with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration
ensemble. He bats 400 and his deft floral
arrangements have earned him fame in
international botany circles. Children trust
him. He can hurl his tennis racket at small
moving objects with deadly accuracy. He once
read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire dining room that evening. He
knows the exact location of every food item in
the supermarket. He has performed several covert
operations with the CIA. He sleeps once a week,
and when he does sleep he sleeps in a chair.
While vacationing in Canada, he successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had
seized a small bakery. He weaves, frolics and
all his bills are paid. On weekends, to let off
steam, he participates in full contact origami.
Years ago he discovered the meaning of life, but
forgot to write it down. He is an exceptional
cook making extraordinary four course meals using
only a mouli and a toaster over. He is a breeder
of prizewinning clams. He has won bullfights in
San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka
and spelling bees at the Kremlin. He has played
Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery and has
spoken to Elvis.

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